my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
