Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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