guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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