haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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