How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
