In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
