I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
