That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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