im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
