Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
