Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
