I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
