OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
