FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
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I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
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I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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