I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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