So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
