Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
