Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
