I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
