Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I want a musical about memes.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
