Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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