The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
