I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
