naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
