Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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