the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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