I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
