I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
