just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
