So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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