Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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