So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So vagazzling was a success
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
