how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
