What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
