i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just cropdusted the office
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
the raccoons are back...
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