i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
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Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
how does that bad decision feel?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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