Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
