Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just invented taco cereal.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
