I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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