The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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