I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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