Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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