I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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