Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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