I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
