I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
