I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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