I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
