just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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