Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
