i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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