peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This show inspires me to have sex in space
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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