Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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