this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
