we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
