i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He has the fingertips of a God
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