He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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